Hellish Hygiene

Michael Youmans

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It’s 3 p.m. You’re cramped in a dim space full of crooks and tormented souls. The stench is putrid and it’s brutally humid. Trash muddles every corner of the room and unknown substances are all over the walls. A tiny imp screeches at the top of his lungs. No, you did not just walk into hell.

You’ve just walked into the boys locker room.

Here at University Prep, the boys locker room is somewhat of a dangerous place. When venturing to the locker room each day after school, I feel like a lamb marching to slaughter. The only difference is that I survive the attempt on my life, and that my wounds are healed by fresh air, acceptable deodorant and a cold shower. 

Michael Youmans

Seriously though, I hope this will be the closest I’ll get to feeling what I imagine severe radiation is like. I can tell most of you boys are not applying deodorant periodically throughout the school day, but I assure you, waiting until the end of the day to become pleasant again is definitely not the right move. All of us going to the locker room are a variety of ages, sizes and have perhaps eaten different foods throughout the day, resulting in a combination of mustiness. This does not make for a comfortable space. I feel like I’m on the peak of a mountain with a lack of usable oxygen.

A certain number of you hooligans decide you’re too good for the rest of us and take it upon yourselves to change into your uniforms and soccer cleats in the bathroom stalls. What’s wrong? Are us bottom-feeders too unworthy for your presence? If all of our suffering is going to be a team effort, I at least want the stalls to be used by those who need to go to the bathroom.

I’ll end this rant by addressing the genuine criminals who steal from the unsecured lockers and bags. Just because you can open some lockers by literally punching them (yes, I have witnessed that), doesn’t mean you deserve loot for being the biggest villain of the day. Have some integrity.

Also, get some deodorant for God’s sake.